July 15, 2002

Perceptions

"You're little and dainty physically but my god, an amazon of a woman."

"You enjoy cutting them off at the knees and leaving them to walk on bloody stumps."

".... I thought you were just going to bite my head off..."

"Nung una kitang nakita nung meeting sa office, masungit ka. Nagmamaganda. Kupal... yun, tama! Yun yung perfect word!" Gee, thanks, J.

Kupal. Amazon woman. Heartless. Snappish.

All these in a span of two days.

Ouch.


***

AMAZING maturity from an 18-year-old. "Until you figure things out, let me be your friend. I'll forget about my feelings for the meantime. That ought to make things clearer. You deserve everything. That's what loving is all about. Promise me one thing, though, never let anyone hurt you. Not even him. Don't let it happen again or I'll break every bone in his entire body. Now let me say I love you for the last time."

Wow. Lucky girl.


***

THANKS to J, was able to catch the last half of a very interesting feature on National Geographic yesterday. It was a documentary that showed comparisons between the mating rituals of animals and humans.

Was interesting to see how a female bluebird has to check out the pad (read: nest) of a male bluebird before she mates with him. Even more interesting was the fact that this little flirty bluebird got it on with a hotter bluebird just a second after her original guy flew off. She ended up having babies with two different fathers.

Was strange to see a female insect that had the power to expel sperm if she deemed her mate unfit to father her offsprings. (I'm sure a lot of women will appreciate that gift.)

The show was funny, interesting and in some ways, disturbing.

The last few lines of the VO hit me.

"In courtship, the male has to make sure that the female chooses him over her other suitors. The female has to make the best choice she can - [dramatic pause] - her legacy depends on it."

Whoa. Can't stand the pressure.


***

I DON'T want to fight anymore.

***


HIS sarcasm is killing me. The distance between us is killing me. Knowing I don't have the power to take his pain away is killing me. The fact that my love doesn't seem to be enough is killing me.

Not knowing whether I should stay or go is killing me.

If this is my contrapasso, divine retribution, the world's way of making me pay for previous mistakes - then congratulations, it's working like a charm.