June 17, 2003

BAD things are happening all around me.

A few weeks ago, there was a brawl at a restaurant I reviewed, a restaurant I loved.

A few days after, there was a drive-by shooting outside a club we've gone to a few times. One person died.

The other day, a taxi hit a tricycle just a couple of blocks from my office. The tricycle driver lost his leg right on the spot.

Just an hour or so ago, when I was still in the office, my mother SMSd. She was worried because she heard that there's a huge fire on the street of my office building. I walked to the third floor window to look for flames or smoke but saw nothing. I can hear faint fire engine sirens ringing in my ears but that could just be my mind playing tricks on me. On the way home, I think I saw smoke and flames flickering from afar, but that could just be my mind playing tricks on me.

Bad things are happening all around me.

I'd want to think of something clever to say about this but there's nothing.

This is like having bullets raining down - you start wondering when one will hit you.


***

ANXIETY is starting to kick in again.

I listened to Genius Aunt's advice and have been avoiding the Metro pages and the news. But sometimes the news just comes to me.

I have also been starting to revert to normal activities. Supernanny and I came really close to riding a bus a a few weeks ago, but I changed my mind at the last minute because I was too tired. Still, even just thinking about it was progress. I am seriously considering riding a plane again - possibly in a couple of weeks. That's a big step. A step made even more difficult by last month's traumatic boat ride.

Just tonight, anxiety levels rose twice for different reasons - but I was able to remain calm and logical. And yeah, the breathing helped.

I am determined to get better, to acquire and maintain my stability. I am not going to even think about the possibility of medication.

I do not need pills to remain sane.